Good Morning Wonderful People Who Read Here!
I have a blogging question: When you leave a comment do you go back to see if the person you left the comment for responded or not?
I've always tried to respond to the comments left me, sometimes I simply don't have to time to respond to each one individually, but each one matters to me and I like to acknowledge them (even the ones that initially upset me, I appreciate :)
I was getting ready to respond to some things that were said on my last post but wondered if the people who said them would ever notice. So, like I often do, when someone says something that is "noteworthy" I write about it.
Got one of those noteworthy comments yesterday from Shelly and then several others added to what she had to say (have I said lately how amazingly blessed I am to have you people in my life!? I can't say it often enough).
Shelly said something like "don't let Anthony replace Keven" and then Annette said something about a co-dependents need to be needed and a few others chimed in as well.
For the last 5 months (since he was arrested in July) I've noticed my relationship with Anthony get closer than ever. I've pondered the whole dynamic - is this healthy, am I using him to fill the needs that Keven doesn't fill (telling me what a great mom I am, affection, appreciation, etc.)? I know that those things make me feel so good, but is it wrong? Is it unhealthy? I don't know. I do know I love the kid and can't help that. I don't know how much of our relationship is healthy or unhealthy or good or bad.
It scares me that he's suddenly in a vulnerable place right now (did I mention that?) and has asked to see me two days in a row. Yesterday I said I was busy (really too tired after work) but today I will go see him. I actually have a legit reason: his father sent him a letter to my house from prison and I want to give it to him.
Yes, I see the unhealthiness in me needing to be needed. But I don't really want to be needed right now. I really don't. I want him to be independent and happy and healthy and just to enjoy the "new Anthony". So I guess that makes me co-dependent too. I don't know the answers, I'm just sharing this cause I want to get it off my mind.
I want to do the right thing for my boys, and myself. I want to do the right things for all concerned. I'm just going to keep following my instincts but monitoring my motives and listening to what everyone else has to say with an open mind, because so often others can see things in our lives that we can't see ourselves.
Speaking of my boys: 4 days and haven't heard from or attempted to contact Keven. My mother seems a bit better today, I heard her laugh at the dog (she hadn't even smiled since I told her the news). Time does make things easier.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
15 comments:
I usually, almost always, go back to see if the blogger has responded to my comment. If I can remember which blog I left the comment on.
As to you and Anthony, only you can say what you are feeling about that.
As a recovering alcoholic, I do wonder what Anthony is doing. If he's struggling right now, the people he should be looking to are sponsors and other recovering addicts. Looking to you is not a sign of health and recovery. Again, I don't know what is in Anthony's heart but looking to you is more likely to be looking for enabling. Of course, it's better than looking to drugs but if you are looking for advice, I suggest that you tell him you love him but he needs to look to his program for support when he is recovering.
Amen Jackie
Jackie, thanks for the great comment, I value what recovering addicts/alcolics have to say above all others because you KNOW firsthand. His excuse for turning to me is that he lost his phone. But he called this morning to let me know he went to a meeting, found his sponsor and shared with several people and in the mtg. I'm really glad. I may share the rest on my blog soon.
When I wrote more regularly on my blog, I always checked comments. If the comment invited discussion, I'd use it in a new post or else respond in the comments. Few of my posts got many comments.
As for you and Anthony... it's one of the great determining questions of being a human: how to relate without becoming overly dependent. I've always taken care to stay far over on my side of the line, which has created its own set of problems. Balance is hard and can't be done by rote.
Barbara, I usually don't go back to look. I figure that someone can email or write a comment on my blog. I don't have children and have no experience with addicts, but I do know that recovery is about working the steps with a sponsor and working with others who are in program. My question is more about what happens to you when everyone turns to you for their needs. Where do you get your needs met? If it is through being needed, then it might be worth examining that. I am glad that Anthony talked to his sponsor. I hope that he is not BSing anyone this time.
in Shakespeare's words: "Consider it not too deeply"...
Hi Barbara,
I do go back and check to see if you (and other bloggers)responded to my comment. Last night, I checked back about 7 times!!! No, I am not a stalker! I was concerned that I was too blunt, and was hoping that my comment was not hurtful to you. It's hard to know how the written word will be interpretated. If I had spoken to you in person, I would have hugged you in support as I said the same thing. I know that you are doing your very best...there is no 'recipe' or parent 'manual' for this journey that you are on and I know that you are doing your very best. I truly admire you for that.
As I previously commented, I previously didn't have to deal with any addictions issues in my life. I sincerely thank you for your openess, Barbara! You have shared and continue to share your journey (your ups and downs) and I have learned soooooo much from you. Take care.
Shelley in SK
I check, that is how I learn and level check myself.
I never used to check until I noticed that YOU commented back several times and then I thought, "Oh heck...I better go back and check or else they might think I am ignoring them!" LOL And that is because I am most definitely co-dependent and I worry about everyone and what they are thinking. But I'm getting better now. lol
Love Jackie's comment. In the end, we can't do it for these beautiful, amazing kids of ours. Directing him toward his sponsor or program friends is a gift to him barbara.
I check when I leave a comment on someone's blog. I read ALL the blogs of the bloggers who respond to your blog. I never seem to have anything as profound to add as others but you all our in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes I feel like an outsider looking in, but I do have 2 addicts so everything is so very helpful to me. Everyone is so kind and compassionate, people I'd be happy to know in person.
Hi, I usually go back if I've let a comment . . . Unless its just a quick Hi.
Also I reply to comments.
Again I dont know the whole story with Anthony . . . But if he "sees" you as a mother and is feeling fragile He probably needs you as well as his programme.
Hugs and love as always
If I know the blogger responds to comments, I will go back and check. Most don't though. I think it is nice and tried it a while back - it was too much work for me!
Have you prayed about your relationship with Anthony? I dont' think any of us know your heart, but your higher power does.
I try to go back and check, after all, communication is a two way street, otherwise, it's like saying something and just walking away.
But it's hard to keep track...
Barbara, please know I've been thinking of you... I wish you serenity this holiday season. Be well, and enjoy yourself, spend some time on yourself...
Take care
It's safe to say that anyone involved with an addict/alkie for more than a day has some degree of Codependency. That's not the worst thing that can happen. AND as you probably know, there are support groups to help manage those tendencies, as well.
Merry Christmas, brave lady!
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