He asked me to come to visiting hour because he wanted to see me. I thought hard about it and chose to go. He looked awful. I have never seen my handsome son looking so bad, you could tell he'd been using meth (he admitted to me that he had). Why meth? Maybe he couldn't get heroin? Who knows - who really cares.
He was so doped up on whatever they are giving him that he could barely keep his eyes open. The gist of our conversation was "I don't want to live like this anymore, I don't want to go on another run".
I listened and said I was glad he felt that way but that I'd heard it too many times to take it seriously, I needed to see it to believe it.
He asked me to get him a list of programs, inpatient, outpatient, sober living etc. since he has no access to a computer. I will do that for him.
I asked the nurse how they were going to diagnose him if he was so out of it and she said that the drugs were to keep him mellow and help him sleep (he sleeps 80% of his time there) and that as his brain chemicals got balanced he would be more and more coherent.
He's still hallucinating.
I hope I don't get a lot of comments that this was the wrong thing to do. I really contemplated not doing it, but my stand is that I will help him in the right direction and that's what he was asking for. He may not even remember me being there :(
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
22 comments:
I would do the same thing. There is a difference in enabling an addict and assisting recovery. It's possible for you to be on the recovery team but you must have boundaries and understand your role and what he must do for himself.
Oh Barbara, you have to do what you can live with. No matter what any of us say. I will keep praying my friend. Keep your focus on yourself and what is healthy for you.
It's not my place to tell you whether you did the right or wrong thing, because I don't know what the right or wrong thing is. No one but you can make that decision, and no one but you should try to make it.
All I will do is offer a bit of unsolicited insight, so please feel free to take it or leave it:
1. In the end, what matters most is that you take care of yourself. If you can go see him and and still take care of yourself, more power to you.
2. Part of taking care of yourself is maintaining your boundaries rather than getting sucked back into his addition. If you can go see him and still maintain your boundaries, more power to you.
*hug*
I keep going back to what I have read on these blogs over and over. "I will help you in recovery, I will not continue to enable you to be an addict". That is one of the last things that I said to my son before he used the list of facilities that I provided to him to make the phone call that got him into rehab. I have taken every phone call from him since and have gone to visit once a week and I have provided money for small purchases there and to make phone calls. This is what I am comfortable with right now. If he leaves rehab before he is discharged, well I am sure I will be looking for support from all of you.
Hang in there Barbara. Follow the advice that everyone is giving you and take care of yourself. Sing loudly in your car, get your hair done, spend time with friends whatever makes you happy. As the title of your blog states, this your life and Keven has to deal with his addiction.
Praying for peace for the both of you.
"I am not given advice about what I should or should not do-that is for me to decide." Alanon Reader
You are an adult who has managed your life, making no more and no less mistakes than the rest of us. Actually, you are more together than some of my coworkers/neighbors/friends. At this point, I don't see how you could make the situation any better or worse.
For awhile, my work took me to mental institutions, nursing homes, etc. This I know for a fact:
the one who has family members visiting gets more nursing attention. There is just so much staff, and they are going to make sure family doesn't find their loved one lying on the floor.
Love to you, Barb.
I agree with what Lou said about advice.
I would have been there as well.
So sorry that he looked so bad, praying that this is the beginning of recovery for him.
Take care of yourself Barbara.
You love him. Kindness and compassion can help to heal a lot. I don't have any answers. I listen to what my inner voice says to do. Wishing you and Keven peace.
I'm glad you did get to see him,despite how awful he looked. As painful as it is to know that, sometimes it's more painful to be left wondering. I think that you can deal with what you know to be true in some ways better than the not being sure and imagining,if you know what I mean. So,if it helped YOU to have some type of answers, it was a good thing. I hope that it is Keven's "bottom" and he goes up from here on forward.
I'm doubting that Keven can fathom how much better it could feel to have all that crap out of his system, but it CAN feel wonderful for him...I know so, even if it takes hard work to keep it that way. Keep picturing possibilities that are positive,..I don't think that can hurt. You are obviously not naive after all you've been through. I hope he follows up on the options for recovery, once he's able to think more clearly. Hang in there. I'm still praying for him.
I will move the earth to assist my son with his recovery. I don't care what anyone says, nor will I listen to anyone who tells me I am doing the wrong thing. He is MY child. I love him with every fiber of my being. I will go to the end of the earth and back to help him get well...if that is his choice. Heck, I think I already have. lol
I am beyond proud of you. I'm not sure what that really means, but let's just say I'm really, really, really proud of you, Barb!!!
As for Keven and meth..shudder. I'm sure you wanted to hug him and smother him at the same time.
It is so good to hear this acceptance...another blog I have been reading says written by an addict in recovery tells us to do what we can live with, and I had a bunch of people jump all over me last week for some interaction I was thinking to have with my son/addict...I think it is so true, Keven is going to do what he is going to do. In any case, no matter what he chooses, he will know that you supported his choices of recovery. Blessings to you.
I'm thinking of you Barbara. You do what you feel you have to do... you've been involved with addiction long enough to know what is right for you.
One of the gifts of my involvement in Ananon and Families Anonymous is that one of the AA promises has come true for me: "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us." I don't think there are right or wrong answers. My 12 step programs have given me confidence in my decisions. While I was able to set firm boundaries and stick to them, I was never able to cut off all contact with my son and shut off his cell phone. Some might call that enabling, but it allowed me to sleep at night. I cannot imagine dealing with a child's addiction as a singe parent. You and Keven are in my prayers.
You did the right thing.
Is it weird that they dont supply him with a list of resources?
Thank you everyone for the comments, I appreciate each and every time I hear from you.
Kathy - I'm going to ask about that today. I hope someone there can help us.
For a long time I kept a copy of the Rainbow book (http://www.resourcedirectory.com/) on hand. Over an inch thick, filled with names, numbers and fees (or free) for everything offered in OC for every possible need, including drug treatment and sober living.... One copy lasted me about 7 years and then Laurie gave it to another girl who was searching for recovery (good use! but I wish I still had mine to give you!) I haven't checked to see if the same resources are actually listed on the website, but the book was handy!
The hospital will also be able to provide him with lists. My girl has been in every one in the county, almost, and they all discharged her with a ream of papers of resources. Hopefully, they will provide that to Keven - specially if you request it...
Prayers continue... don't forget to take care of Barbara! ((Hug!))
Hey, I looked a little on the site and found they publish the addiction info for free online, or, they will mail addiction only info for $5.00? I gotta get to work here, or I will get fired by my boss (me!) but check this out?
http://www.rainbowaddiction.com/
On the left it lists sober living homes as a heading?
JOY - you bring me JOY. And great resources!!!!! THANK YOU!
Oh Barbara... a million hugs to you. This is so hard as a mother ... so hard..
A friend i have not heard from in a couple of years told me her son went back on drugs and got kicked out of one place in Florida but then he is in another place.
i remember this boy when he was 4 years old.. when we use to live near each other. He played with my children.
Such a shame.. I have not seen him in years... and years..
It's all so unneccessary. I do not know how drug dealers can live with themselves..
Still out here praying for you, Kevin and everyone effected by addicition. I would have done the same thing in your shoes...you don't stop loving someone becaue they are sick. Keep backing recovery, it really does happen.
Hugs and prayers,
Kristi
We are both sitting in the same pile of shit! Keven is doped up because that is all the psych hospital will do. No treatment, no diagnosis- just stabilization. Then out.
I picked my son up today and brought him home....
I am trying to use my heart and my head- there always seems to be some conflict, but above everything, I will always be his mother.
Hugs...oxox
Hugs.
For a whole lot of people, there did come a day when we said we were done - we meant it - and we truly were done. Maybe this is his time.
Post a Comment