Hi Everyone, just wanted to do an update on my boys and also say that I've been catching up on blogs and see a lot of hurt, anger, anxiety, etc. out there today. I think this time of year exacerbates all the emotions we feel all year long. Its just part of the holidays (even for those not dealing with addiction, lots of lonely people out there or people missing loved ones that have passed away, etc.) So lets be extra sensitive and encouraging to pull through to our new and wonderful year of 2012 (I like the sound of it, maybe cause it reminds me of the Rush album, 2112?)
ANYHOW....
I've been pushing thoughts of Anthony and Kev using together out of my head all day. While I was walking at lunch I got a text from Ant saying "I'm at Starbucks, Keven is meeting me here, oh here he comes now...shit! he's so shot up looking! Never seen him this bad".
Ok, that wasn't easy to hear, but wasn't a shock.
I said "Anthony - you're playing with fire....."
He said "No, seriously, Mom, I got this, I just want to tell him if he needs help to find a rehab I'm here."
Ok. So hours pass and I go about my day and force out all negative thoughts. I'm thinking the worst. Why hasn't he called or texted me in hours (he told me he'd text me after he left Keven).
Finally a phone call, he sounded great, he had left Keven sooner than expected because he just couldn't stand to see him so bad off (see how it feels, Anthony!). Keven lost his wallet and kicked out the girl that was keeping him company so he's alone with no money or access to money. Things are looking brighter ever minute.
So that's where its at right now. I hope Ant just lets Keven figure this out for himself. I sound so callous and uncaring toward my son, but I can't allow myself to feel too much right now or I'd breakdown, so I'm doing my best to stay mad vs. concerned. What a bitch this is to deal with.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
16 comments:
No, you really don't sound callous and uncaring. You sound like you know what it is going to take for Keven to get to the point that he is ready be serious about recovery! You are doing great!
Stay strong. I hope Ant can stay strong, too. It's all one hot mess.
You are in my prayers. Believe that.
There is some *bulls**t going on here Barbara. You need to extricate yourself from it..and make sure you lock your doors, windows, and car.
Why haven't you shut off Keven's phone?
You DO NOT sound uncaring or callous. You sound like a brave mom who is doing the hard work of detaching from her son. Keep at it, because you are so on the right track for yourself. Keven will have to find his own right track. I do agree with Lou, stay out of all of it, for both boys...Barbara in our desire to help, we often only get in the way and we actually even prolong the agony. Again, I say this from personal experience.
Stay strong Barbara, you are on the right track. What Lou and Annette mention....they are speaking from experience. Take care of yourself!
Again, I don't want to sound negative but something is fishy. I hope that you can stay away from involvement here. It just seems that once again you are being drawn into something that you cannot help with and may actually harm you and the guys.
Stay focused on you. It might get really hard with Ant in the pic. Keven may be using Ant to get to you. He knows you welcome calls and contact with A and he'll use that relationship to benefit himself. I'm worried. A seems just a little of kilter "Me thinks he dost protest too much" with his mention of how bad K looks. That was always a dead giveaway with my son. It took the attention of HIS using. You are strong. It shows. Hang tough. Xo Kris B
Stay focused on you. It might get really hard with Ant in the pic. Keven may be using Ant to get to you. He knows you welcome calls and contact with A and he'll use that relationship to benefit himself. I'm worried. A seems just a little off kilter "Me thinks he dost protest too much" with his mention of how bad K looks. That was always a dead giveaway with my son. It took the attention off HIS using. You are strong. It shows. Hang tough. Xo Kris B
If it smells like a fish, it is probably a fish!
oh man....lots of suspicion going on here... :( Hang in there Barbara...thinking of you, VERY MUCH ! And yes...Christmas used to just be so joyful...I remember that. When I used to be concerned about getting the right Legos or Fisher Price toys...or (a little older)...the Roxy clothes for my daughter. Wow...those really were the days...fun...w/out addiction,..who knew ?
Please e-mail me/message me, if you'd like. I'm praying, ...it helps.
Hugs to you.
Hi.
Ditto Kris. Think Keven is using Ant to get you to hear it all. Also think text from Ant saying how bad kev looks . . . Defo Fishy.
Kev's back to no money/gear . . . Rehab? Until . . . He finds money/gear/another user . . . Until . . . That runs out and back to Rehab. On the "not so merry" go round and round and round.
Let them ride themselves stupid. Like you say you're there for either if its part of recovery . . . not part of this crazy bullshit. Stay strong. Hugs n love Di x
There is a lot of hurt out there, and unfortunately hurting people tend to hurt others.
I will just pray for you and your Keven - and Antony. I have no doubt that you are doing as well as you can. Please be kind to yourself.
I used to pray for my son to hit bottom. But, I didn't know what was going on in the process. It's better that way. I just laid down the boundary I don't want to hear from you unless you want treatment. I would extend that to even hearing about him from Anthony, that way if it is a ploy, it will send a strong signal that you won't be sucked in.
Terri, I am pretty sure I am doing the right thing but it sure helps to get affirmation along the way, so thank you!
NMB, it is a hot mess. I don't feel good at all about Ant right now.
Lou, we live in the third safest city in the USA, never worried about keeping the doors locked. but you better believe this place is sealed up tight. (I wonder if you are with Smoochie right now? Thinking of her makes me smile).
Annette - no words, only a hug. I often cry when I read your comments, (which means you are very special, and that I'm overly emotional!)
Dawn, Lou and Annette rock my world consistently! I don't know where I'd be without them, you and everyone else here. Seriously, I may not be sane today. Thanks.
Syd, It does sound fishy. I'm writing this in the morning and I never heard from Ant again yesterday (he said he'd call me later). I've come to terms with the fact that he may be out there with Kev on a "sick run". Eventually they will both be back in jail/prison (actually, they won't because CA prisons/jails are so full they aren't keeping drug offenders in there for too long).
Kris, thanks. I think you're right. I always try to see the best but what I am really doing is going into denial (again). I like it when you comment, thanks.
Anon, yep, I smell a fish too :(
Hi Lori, For Keven it was always Legos (till he was about 12). I remember one year getting him the police station and sitting on his bedroom floor helping him build it, it took us SIX HOURS! :) In fact, I still have a ton of Legos, I like giving big baggies of them away to kids who like Legos.
Di, thanks, yep, I'm here for them IF they want recovery. Shit, Ant was doing so good. I feel it in my bones - he's out using. I'm so glad you found my blog. I love your perspective, and your blog has become one of my faves.
MC, "Hurt people hurt people" has always been something I make myself aware of all the time (it applies to a lot of people in my life). Thanks, sweetie, for your comment.
Hattie, Wow. So true, I don't need to know the details. I am going to tell Ant (if he even calls) that I don't want to hear about Kev. Thanks. Duh, why didn't I think of that. :)
Hi Lovey, Just a quickie totally off subject to say I hope I've not been insensitive . . I do worry . . . When I posted picture of Bro and mentioned that I'd done it to give you a laugh. Later on I thought it sounded wrong (it's hard with the written word) and that you probably weren't in the mood for a laugh at all :-( I'm truly sorry if it sounded insensitive. It was only meant in fun and love as always, Di
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