One blog I read got me thinking about something that is often on my mind: The changes in my life, and in myself that are a result of Keven's addiction. (if you go read the blog please read Annette's comment too).
I am a different person than I was - and in most ways I think I am a better person. I've "dropped" so many things that were obstacles to my well being. I've never been judgmental, but whatever judgementalism that was in me is long gone; I'm more patient; I am more calm; I am less reactive; I prioritize what's important in life differently; I love deeper; I hurt deeper too. I could go on but this is personal enough, you get the idea.
On the other side of the coin, I have also lost part of myself, some of my passions have dimmed, my ability to know true peace has been obliterated, there is a hole in my heart that constantly aches, I grieve daily for the son I once knew and the future I once hoped for him.
Today marks a week of no contact from him. I have to wonder if he will show up on Christmas? And if he does, what will I do? I have decided I will text him on Christmas saying "Merry Christmas, I love you". Calling is out of the question, just typing it makes me start to cry.
Each of us is going to have our own unique holiday this year. For some it will be joyful, for others not so much....I just want to let you know that I am thinking of each of you and hoping and praying for the best possible holiday as possible.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
12 comments:
Wishing you a peaceful Christnas. I think that is the only thing I want.
You can grieve what you have lost or appreciate what you have gained.
I know the choice I would make.
I walk this path with you. As sad as it is, we must affirm life by finding gratitude for the blessings that still come our way. God Bless you and yours.
Ok, the picture undid me. You know, I couldn't look at baby pictures or little girls pictures of H for a few years. It just broke my heart that my beautiful little intelligent baby was so lost.
Barbara, take good care of yourself. Keven will figure out his own journey. I am praying for him and for his safety.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Merry Christmas, this time of year is full of new beginnings and perhaps Keven will finally make the decision to start his recovery.
Thanks, everyone. Each word written here has helped me in some way.
GRASSHOPPER!?!?!!? Is this you? If so, it means a lot that you found my blog and wrote this. Merry Christmas to you and your family. You're the one boyfriend I had that Keven genuinely liked and a very positive male role model for him. Damn it, now I'm gonna cry! :)
Wish Robyn and I were closer so we could give you a big hug. Wishing you peace this Christmas, Barbara.
Sending you love. I pray that everything will be okay. I really do.
My counselor asks me often to look at the sky. I tell him I don't know about life, or death, or heaven, and hell. He says look up, there is heaven. Feel gravity, see the earth and so I do. I want a connection. A feeling. Something that comforts me. Heaven and Earth.
God Bless You and Keven!
Michelle.
I am going through almost the same thing...may God help you in your journey.
And I pray for all people going through this painful addiction.
Thanks dogkisses. I snuggled in bed with Sugar this morning, it was the perfect way to start my day.
Anon, I am so sorry. If you ever want to talk to someone email me, please.
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