The other day I was contemplating changing the name of this blog to reflect the next phase in my journey through Keven's addiction. I asked for suggestions, I liked several, but then kind of decided just to leave "Recovery Happens".
But today I don't feel like Recovery Happens is appropriate, today I feel like this is MY LIFE and its HIS ADDICTION.
I can't tell you how sad it makes me that I've reached this point where, rather than compassionately understanding what he's going through, I feel like telling him to leave me alone. I never thought I'd feel this way about him. I still love him with all my being, but I don't like him very much.
I thought he'd come so far - but I was wrong. He absolutely hates the rehab he's in right now, and I'm sure its more just his attitude than anything that's going on there.
(Although there have been a few things that upset me, for example: I'm at the doctor yesterday and I get a voicemail from his PO asking if I know where my son is!!! I freaked out. I called PMF (rehab) and got put on voicemail. I called back PO, her line was busy. I call PMF again and insist that they find someone that can tell me if Keven ran or if he's still there. Yes - he was still there, someone told his PO he was NOT there. So, that was my near heart attack for the day.)
So, here I sit trying to live my life with the knowledge that my beloved son wants nothing to do with me, that he thinks he knows what's best for him. He has no humility, no surrender. Where the F has all his knowledge of recovery gone? I guess in one ear and out the other.
Tomorrow, I visit Anthony one last time in jail (he gets out 11/15). I am looking forward to it. He's proof that even the most hardcore addicts can change. Of course, actions OUT OF JAIL speak a lot louder than words in jail - so we shall see, but I believe in him this time.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
15 comments:
I like the new blog name Barbara.
Have no advice as you are far wiser than me concerning this stuff. I do want to encourage you though. You are such an excellent mom and a great example for parents going through these kinds of things.
You love the child but hate some of their behaviour. I can relate. I'm going through this with my older daughter at the moment. I'm finding it hard to like her, or should I say her behaviour, but I still love her. But my vision is clouded by the way she acts. It's damn tough.
Stay strong, well you are strong. :)
I hear you. I love my son all days but I really don't like him most days. I think not liking him makes it easier some days not to enable him to continue to be a drug addict.
Love your new title. It is so appropriate.
Barbara - I thought that most treatment centers imposed a blackout period (30 days?) where the addicts could not contact family members. I think this is one of the reasons - they need to immerse themselves and stop fighting and involving the family. Isn't that part of the addiction -- dragging us along with them??
I agree, he needs to surrender and he may still do that. I'll also pray he does...
I also love the new title!
I know what you mean. When we were at the Rehab Hospital there was one girl there that BOTH Alex and I thought nope, she's there to "do her time then get high".
You almost want to get in her face and say "Why are you wasting Mom and Dad's money? Go home." The only reason I don't is I'm not allowed. LOL.
I totally understand how you feel! We are looking for a 30-90 day treatment program and Destin was all about it and then BAM changed his mind, he knows everything and he doesnt need to go. He will just go live somewhere where someone is going to let him smoke as much as he wants.... at 13. can we say addict delusions? I like the new name of your blog and you are absolutely right- It is your life and his addiction. (((((((HUGS)))))) I love you!
Love the new name. You and I are in similar places right now. I am glad that you had a good conversation with him today though.
wow, great post, it must be as I'm teary and it's hard to swallow. I identify! Thank you SO much. I'm not alone.
Assuming you haven't read it, can I recommend a book to you?
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's the book my therapist recommended to me when I started seeing her back in January.
Love THE NEW NAME
One of the problems my son said he has had with rehab is that it is just dealing with the substance abuse, not the mental health issue. He said he gets tired of hearing everyone's war stories...he wants to feel better. I don't know- my son has always thought he knows it all. I will find out soon if that is still his belief, or if he will give in and do what the professionals recommend.
Thanks for all the great comments!
Maija, Your son sounds typical, like many of the other addicts (including my son). I do think war stories can get old and be unhealthy. I hope that he can get the right kind of help for his individual needs. Its maddening how difficult it is to get the right care.
Love the new name!!!
Love the new name!!!
Love the new name!!!
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