I don't know what aches more -my heart or my stomach, both both feel sick.
We (his family and friends) have done all we can for him. We did a lot. None of it helped enough. So he's on his own. I know he's in a drug infested area of Anaheim staying in one of those gross motels that charge by the day.
He asked me to get him an apt. with a psychiatrist to get back on his meds, so I will do that much for him since he has no way of looking up names on the internet. He does have a phone, I am thankful for that but have to not answer when he calls - he can leave me voice mails and I will decide if I want to call back.
Not much else to say except that this is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and if you know my history, I've been through a lot.
Dear God, please keep him safe.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
32 comments:
I will continue to pray for you and Keven. I know this is incredibly difficult for you. Sometimes doing everything we can still isn't enough. It's unfortunate, but true. Love and hugs to you, Barbara.
I will pray for you and that Keven finds a way out of this evil cycle. Don't get him an apartment. He can look up names on the internet if he can get a motel room and drugs. Trust me on that. Motel rooms have phone books. Just saying.
Sorry, I just reread your post. Appointment, not apartment. I know you won't get him an apartment.
Thanks, D, I appreciate it.
Bristol - LOL, I can't even afford an apt. for myself! I live with my mother at the age of over 40!~ (WAY OVER). I'm staying strong no matter what. Thanks for being you and being here for me.
Prayers for Keven. I think hes got to go through this next step B before he can get to the other side of his addiction. Stay strong and I offer my shoulder when you need it.
Staying in a motel (however sleazy) is not homeless. Just sayin'
Of course it's still frightening and it hurts you.
Barbara, I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am praying that he finds his way through this, and that you find a way to stay strong. Hugs xxx
Kathy, I know you're there for me. I will never forget when he was 8 and broke his leg and needed surgery. You came floating into the hospital room at some insanely early hour and sat with me, you looked like an angel to me at that moment. It seemed like such a big deal at the time. Little did I know then...
Lou, I didn't think of it that way but you're right. He has a roof over his head and a bed to sleep in (I don't even want to think about it - he'd probably be better off on a park bench that a gross druggie motel. I am a germaphobic, I couldn't survive that life)
Connie, thank you, sweetie, I can feel your concern from all the way over here on the other side of the world.
Praying for you both. A sleezy motel in A bad section of town feels homeless to me and I am so sorry. Maybe this will be his turning point.
Ditto Connie's comment for me.
Hang in there Barbara!
I can't add anything. Just know that you and Keven are in my thoughts and prayers.
you're in my prayers as well,...and I know that this is very very tough on you. I'm so sorry for that. And damn,...there is such a frequent problem of relapse and terrible decision making when they go off the meds.! I think it's so key, despite what other stuff he's done to his brain with the bad drugs. :( I hope he gets back onto the meds pronto, one way or another,..and that they're what's best for him, meaning, what type and what dose. Then,of course,that he takes them the right way,..not always what ends up happening.
And should we assume he's with others in the motel, or by himself ? Hope you don't mind me asking that. For I know you said he didn't have any $, and even a cheap motel room costs something. I'm just so sorry and I'm continuing to pray that this will have an impact on him to seek the help he needs. Prayer does have power, and Keven has a lot of people praying for him, so hold onto that thought.
Hang in here Barbara - I know it's sooooo hard but, you are doing the right thing. He has to figure it out on his own - however long it takes. He needs to call and make the appointment on his own too....just saying. Take care -
He's thinking meds might help because all addicts want something to "take" that might help.
Also, the first thing an addict will tell family is that they want on their meds because it is always the first thing a family will rally around. Families of drug addicts always want the addict to take something that might help.
That opens the door for a ride to the appointment, a clean shirt to see the doctor, a "can't you see I'm trying?" plea to get something from the family again. It's the only game they know.
The flaw is that every parent thinks "this could be the time."
The ass kicker is "yes" it could very well be.
IF there was some real sincerity there, the sponsor would have spotted it and let him stay, or Ant would have gone to matt begging you to help Kev.
"Help me get some meds" is almost always a ploy. If an addict wants meds, they will stand in front of an ER or Clinic or use the 411 feature on their cell phone (if they are lucky enough to have someone supply them one.)
An addict will do whatever it takes to get something in their system if they want it, and they always want it. Meds or dope.
I'm typing this with love in my heart Barbara. You know I'm an addict and the mother of one. Your boy seems more afraid of sobriety than any kind of dope or sleezy motel.
Having said all that...I don't think parents can do the wrong thing..you can't make him use, and you can't make him not use. Just do what helps you get some sleep at night, whether that is putting him up in the Ritz or leaving him in a sleezy motel...because the truth is neither really matters. An addict will use dope until they don't use dope anymore.
I believe the parents should just go by what their gut tells them they can live with.
I will continue to keep Keven in my prayers as I do all my fellow dopers.
It is possible to change. For me, it took God Almighty himself to intervene.
I am sorry you are suffering.
I am sorry Keven is suffering, it seems to be the common bond between the two of you.
I see what Pammie is saying....and she's probably right. I still believe many of our addicts(my son is one of them) is very much helped by medication, in preventing relapse, and feeling decent(not depressed) nor anxious. He relapsed after keeping on forgetting to take the antidepressant, going off it suddenly, being depressed,...and then going to what he knew would immediately stop him from feeling how he felt. After starting it....he was on a roll that wouldn't stop. I guess it begs the question, what med. is Keven asking for ?
(((HUG))) Barbara. Lou made a good point. He isn't truly homeless if he is staying in a hotel. And I love what Pam said...I read it twice and then had my husband read it. Asking me to make appointments and help her get back on meds just pulled me back into the vortex...over and over again. Hang in there Hon. I know this is really really hard on you. Take good care of yourself.
Thank you Pammie.
I also love what Pammie said not just about the meds and i totally agree with her on that but everything she wrote.
Many good comments from many much wiser than I. A motel isn't being homeless. And all public libraries have internet. So hard on us parents. You can't change him now, as Pammie says. Take care, you are in my prayers.
It's unthinkably difficult to see someone you love in that position. I can't even imagine it being your child. Hoping and praying that he stays safe.
Love and hugs.
Hi.
Was gonna say pretty much what Pammie said.
He wants you to think He's making an effort at getting back on the meds . . and to think there is something really wrong with him mentally, that he must need these med so badly, other than addiction and the up and down effect of using/not using. They wouldn't know if he really needs meds until he is clean. My Dr. will not hear of dual diagnosis. She says . . get clean then we will see. How do u expect to be stable on that stuff? So it will be any excuse to call you and "keep" you involved and there will be plenty more. Plenty. But also as previously said by Pammie, It's up to you what you can cope with. You cant make him use and you cant make him not use. I can only compare it to when I had to make my ex homeless.(who I still loved) My daughters Dad as he insisted on using all day after I had made the decision to only use once at night. The guilt was beyond belief (still is) and the pain and worry of what might happen. The easy bit is when they are in prison . . another year and I will probably going through it all again. It must be so much worse when its your son. I really do feel for you. It makes it so hard to "just get on with your life" and enjoy things. I know that. Love, hugs and prayers as always x
I would read what Pam and Bugerlugs wrote over and over. In fact, I have. Letting Keven make his decisions, his appointments, and keeping hands off seems the best thing to me. Prayers for you and all those who are sick and suffering.
Thinking of you, Barbara. It's up to him
Oh Barbara, I am so sorry. I've been away all week and...what a sad turn of events. Hugs and prayers to you because I have no words of wisdom.
Pammie and Bugerlugs are very wise people. Our addicts get so skilled in manipulation and we get so full of hope, that reality gets blurred quickly. The only effective way to deal with this is to step away. Minimal contact, different reactions than what he is used to from you. He has learned from experience and he knows how to push your buttons. I know how much it hurts, but there is really no other choice. Let him make his own appointments. He can score drugs, he can make appointments. Love and hope.
I love what Pammie said. I do disagree with her, from an alcoholic's perspective, on there being no difference in what you do. I think the more you engage the longer it takes the addict/alcoholic to figure out that we are the problem. As long as someone else was willing to shoulder any of the responsibility, I was eager to give it all to them.
I also like what Bugerhugs has to say about dual diagnosis. I imagine that while I was using I could have had a quadruple or quintuple diagnosis. Addicts are sick puppies and how you parse out the behaviors that come from the addictions from other mental health issues while they are using is beyond me.
I do want you to know that some of the finest people I have met in AA were once homeless. I know a man who, if you met him, would strike you as intensely handsome, gentle, kind, smart and loving. He's married to the most beautiful woman and is in his last year of a master's program in psychology. Seven years ago he was a heroin addict living on the street. He was in and out of the rooms for eight years before he truly decided to get sober.
Jackie
I want to thank ALL of you for the comments. All of them have been taken to heart.
Pammie and Bugerlugs, I've printed out your comments to carry with me in moments of weakness and forwarded them to my sister to read.
I feel so incredibly blessed to have such support and wisdome and experience and strength and hope in all of you who read here. Even those that are hurting as much as me reach out.
I'm doing much better today. I slept last night and am going on my 2 mile walk on my lunch break and best of all....getting this way too long hair cut tonight (and the grays covered and some blond highlights).
Love and appreciation to all of you.
I am so sorry! There is nothing that makes this easier... not the knowledge other parents are going through it or knowing that you have given it your all.
I need to stop answering the phone and letting my daughter leave messages too. I did for awhile. In fact, I forwarded my home phone to my cell phone and turned off my cell phone because she would keep calling back until I answered.
((((Barbara))))
Wow Barbara and all the commentators- this post was incredibly helpful to me right this minute!!
I'm so sorry for all the nightmares Barbara and the tough decisions you have to make on your own. You are amazing, never forget how strong you really are!!!
Hugs again.
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