Keven was terminated and will be released tonight or tomorrow morning.
This is either the beginning of a new life, or a new nightmare.
I feel nervous, scared, worried - all those wonderful things that used to plague me daily have come rushing back. There is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I am waiting for a call from PMF (where he'll go for residential treatment) to see when they will have a bed open for him. He may spend a few nights at home.
When I pick him up I will have a contract with me and will not bring him home unless he signs it. He seems so happy, so positive, so committed - but don't they all seem that way at times?
He asked if he could speak and the judge let him. He shared that not a moment of time in Opp. Court was wasted, he learned tools, made good friends, learned about himself and got sent in the right direction. He said the rest was up to him and he asked permission to come back and visit when he had clean time.
A few of the girls cried, and his buddy who I am very fond of, sat next to me with his arm around me. I got a lot of warm goodbyes. Its like a family, and I will miss them.
Now I need to be on my toes, ready to dish out "tough love" which as Ron puts it here, is Real Love. I must guard my own thoughts so that I don't become a wreck.
Thanks everyone for caring about both of us. He's my only child, I realize we are very "enmeshed" and its not easy for me to separate myself from him emotionally. BUT - I am way better off today than I was three years ago.
. Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
8 comments:
Barbara, I am glad for Keven.
I want you to succeed too. It's time for you to walk the walk.
Keven's path is pretty well laid out. His path is pretty cut and dried what he needs to do and there is ALOT. You path is not as clear.
You KNOW what you need to do. This is Keven's world to succeed or fail. Allow him the honor of a man to chose his path. The joy or pain you may experience is your life and your role not his.
Desite what I hear on here from mothers including my own wife, the Keven's and Alex's are no longer your baby.
Speaking from a man's point of veiw. Keven has experienced more than you or I. He has been through hell and back. Allow him the honor and dignity of being a man. In that he will either man-up or he will continue his chosen path. Either way, what Keven does is his responsibility. It's not on you and not your choice.
Treat him the way you'd like to be treated if you had made mistakes. Tell him you love him, forgiven not forgotten. ALL IS NOT THE SAME. Sometimes a hand up but let go of the hand quickly. Despite what logic may seem, filling the hole Keven has dug for himself is not faster if 2 people are shoveling. Allowing Keven to fill in his own hole to get back to level is much faster when you do as little as possible.
Once a gain I feel like I am on your ass and I don't mean to do that. I just know you are a very emotional mom that loves her son dearly and would do ANYTHING if she could take away the pain and trouble. Don't allow yourself to be Keven's problem.
Peace, Hope and Love to you, too, Barb. Right now, you need it more than I do.
Good luck to you both. Lists are very helpful to me. Make a list of what you want to accomplish each day. Not want you want for him but the list you would work on if he were well. That list has to have first priority.You need your own life in order to keep up your strength. When he gets well, he will need a mom who still has some strength in her!
Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.
Wow, I like the way Anna put that. I'm SO glad about this news but still am confused on how this all works. So, he's out of opportunity court for relapsing but doesn't now have to do any more jail time ? (Mind you, I'm so happy he doesn't have to ) And does that mean that you're sending him to rehab,.... Or does the court have a part in it, as in financing it ? I hope you dont mind me asking this ! I just continue to be amazed about how differently CA. handles these drug offenders vs. here in VA. with the good ole boys. : (.
And yes,Ron, Barbara does need to be kind to herself ,.... & I know she'll forgive you for "being on her ass ". : )
Barbara....I just found you. I didn't know there were blogs about this. My 20 year old son started using heroin about a year ago. He is now in rehab for the second time. Where to I go to begin reading your blog? I need your story.... I need to know I am not alone.
Barbara - A new beginning indeed...for Keven and for you.
I wish you the best and please know we are all thinking about you. YOU have the tools. You can do this.
(((hugs)))
Please don't forget to take care of yourself first. You are the most important person in your life. Love, hope and lots of peace!
I am here for you...just one blog over.
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