Warning: I am in a bad mood, bitter, angry and sick of it all. So you may choose to skip this post if you're trying to avoid negative energy!
Kev was at home one night (last night) between places to stay. Everything seemed great. His friend was gone by 9, he was in his room watching TV at 10 when I fell asleep. He'd been courteous and responsible all afternoon.
Then he stole my mom's car. We didn't know till this morning and have no idea what time he got home. He tried to lie about it, well he DID lie about it. He says he didn't go far but the gas tank says otherwise.
I can't wait to get him out of the house tonight and gone Gone GONE. I never thought I'd feel this way, actually wanting him as far away from me as possible. I really don't think he grasps the concept that he is truly ON HIS OWN and that he will have to accept the word "no" often.
NO I will not do ____________________ for you. Pretty much fill in the blank. The only thing I will do for him is drive him to his Dr. Apts. if they are impossible to get to by bus and drive him home for Thanksgiving and Christmas (if he wants to come, which I really don't care if he does or not).
I don't know where his head's at, but he just signed up for a very rigorous and no-bullshit program with some guys that have no hesitation throwing his ass out if he doesn't cooperate or messes up (they already called to find out if I was the kind of mom that would throw a fit if her baby was tossed out in the street and I told them to toss away if need be).
I am just SICK and tired of this crap. I left a comment somewhere today about how much energy is taken up even when we AREN'T letting them infiltrate our lives - its always under the surface, the worry and the fear and the anger, so even when we feel strong, we still have to keep pushing those negatives away which in itself is painful and annoying. Like right now, I am sitting here with a huge rock in my stomach (so it feels) an ache in my chest (anger ache, not heart ache) trying to be happy and focus and think about other things. It just isn't that easy.
I want him out, I want him away from me. I am tired of him.
Anthony, on the other hand, has been a blessing in my life the last few days. Believe it or not. Yes, that could change in a second, but I'll enjoy it as long as it lasts (and maybe it will last).
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
11 comments:
Barbara, hang in there. I know how you feel. My son just wentt through the worse detox he has ever gone through. He was released from the place his was at. You know that story. He just walked in here and asked if he could go out. When we brought him here we told him he would not be allowed to leave, use a phone or a computer. I said sure but take your things with you because you won't be coming back. I'm not looking forward to the weekend as much as I was earlier today.
Enjoy Anthony while you can. The only thing in my house that I can enjoy is my ratchi, Lucy. :-)
Keeping you my thoughts and prayers.
Terri, thank you! And thanks for reminding me that I have a loving little Chi (Chiweenie) waiting at home for me too. She makes me so happy :)
Good for you, you're taking your life back.
It is YOUR life. Don't let him ruin it.
oh boy...none of us think you're anything but right. Sometimes, it's just IT ,...and we've had enough ! I've gone through that experience (multiple times) where all looks well and you go to bed,..and wake up and find out things you didn't think were happening. As in Aug. 2009, when D took my car in the middle of the night like that and freaking totalled it. Another time was just 1 yr. ago,...smashed the headlight...neither time did he have any license, by the way!
You have done SO MUCH to keep on supporting Keven, and he's had so many chances and you NEED a break. I'm almost glad to see your anger, although I know it doesn't feel good...so I don't like that about it. He still needs to "get it",...and know that HE has to do what he has to do to have a decent life. Who knows...maybe Anthony will end up getting through to him,..time will tell. In the meantime...I'm glad you're about to have a bit of peace...you deserve it very much. Thinking of you here.
I think the take away lesson from this is: stop letting him stay at the house these "in between" times.
I know the anger and exhaustion that you speak of. So glad that you ahve that precious little pet. Make sure to spend some time every day holding him. There never was a person or child as loyal, constant and enthusiastic as a Dog!
Ugh.... Just Grrrrrr! I hope this no bullshit program gets deep into his cranium and is exactly what he needs. In the meantime, hug Sugar and be especially good to YOU.
I am sure that right now, you cannot get away from him soon enough.
Sometimes anger can establish a pretty stronger boundary
Recently I found myself very angry at my addict 19 yr. old son. But, he was doing what an addict does. I realized that my anger was at my lack of boundaries or not enforcing boundaries that I sort of had. I love him so much but, can not let him in like I can my sober son. Be strong and take care of you.
You are not giving up, you are doing the right thing for you. If you don't take care of you, what else is there?
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