I've realized that I"ve gotten lazy in my own recovery over the last year because I had very little to do with Keven's life, the court was in charge of his every move. Now he's in charge of his every move (with probation violations over his head already) and I am in charge of taking care of myself and accepting that the consequences of his choices are going to be his best teacher.
Every comment I get has been so helpful lately. Here's three from the last post that were 100% true and helpful and appreciated:
"Maybe they "see" something you don't, with him being your son.
I hate always sounding like the downer here, but I see it from the addicts point. Either way you are doing right to leave him to sort it out. Stay strong. With love." Bugerlugs (you're not a downer! your comments help me so much, I cherish getting an addict's point of view and I think you're an amazing, funny, honest person)
"It kind of makes me sad that Ant has taken on Keven's problems. When my son got clean, many of his "buddies" decided to get clean. My son suddenly became responsible for them, making phone calls to arrange sober living, etc.
Don't get me wrong, I was proud and happy that there would be fewer addicts roaming the streets thanks to my son, but early recovery is a time to focus on self." Notmyboy (I've been really concerned about this to but Ant let go of him last night, realizing that he did all he could and that being around him further would conflict with his own recovery. I'm proud of Ant for taking that stand and pissed that Keven didn't take the hand that was held out to him to get him situated in a good place).
"Ok, but you do understand why they don't trust him, right? Its been less than a week since his last upset. These are the natural consequences of a life being lived in addiction. If you behave in an untrustworthy manner, then people won't trust you when you really need them to and want them to. God will open another door, but maybe for a day or two or however long, this is something he needs to experience." Annette (Duh to me. Yes, I do now because I was in denial for two days thinking he was ready because I WANTED IT SO BAD. It would be funny if it weren't so true. Thanks, Sweetie).What happened:
They would not let Keven in last night (wise choice on their part). Anthony got Keven to admit that he'd been using Bath Salts for two days (I knew something was going on but as I said above, chose to look away, denial is so powerful and its embarrassing how easily it got a hold of me again).
So they tried to get him into three detox places, none would take him (don't know exactly why, didn't even ask). At the third detox Keven went in the bathroom and used bath salts again while Ant was waiting for him outside!!!! That was the point when Ant just left him there and texted me saying he'd done all he could do. He had already taken Keven's wallet, money and cell phone and left him with "nothing but the program".
Keven called four times between 10:30 - 12:30, each time I said "figure it out, but you're not coming home and I'm not coming to get you". I did provide him with a phone number of his "mentor/sponsor" ("I'll call him Bob) but that was all the help I was willing to give.
Eventually Bob went and got him, took him to the hospital cause he was concerned at how high he was, then called me at 3:30 am to tell me he was taking Keven home to clean up and then try to find a program for him today. Bob is someone who has known Keven for years, has a family, is a recovered addict himself.
Believe it or not, I slept well all night, other than waking up for the calls. I am concerned but focusing on other things today - like the gorgeous day outside and taking my dog to a new place to walk after I have my allotment of coffee.
Thanks again to each of you for your patience with me, your words of wisdom and insight, and for being honest (in some cases brutally honest) because I need it and I can take it.
I'll end with a text from Anthony after I filled him in on what happened with Keven after he left him, I told him that I was glad he chose to step away, I didn't want him to think I was upset about that. He wrote back:
"Your feelings are not to be questioned. You are doing the right thing. You are growing, Mom, and through this you will prevail. I love you dearly".
I think he's right.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
PS This is what Bath Salts do to you (he's been injecting it!) I highlighted the symptoms I've seen in him each time he uses this dangerous stuff:
MDPV acts as a stimulant and has been reported to produce effects similar to those of cocaine, methylphenidate, andamphetamines.[1] The acute effects may include:[1][10]
[edit]Physiological/Psychological effects
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Psychiatric symptoms may persist. Physical symptoms may progress to rhabdomyolysis, renal failure, seizures, high anion gap metabolic acidosis, respiratory failure, or liver failure.
14 comments:
Well this made me cry! What progress Barbara and I KNOW how hard it is to say "no" when they call. And Ant...wow. I pray for him too. He sounds good right now.
I was at a meeting last night and the person sharing said she would get so up set at the happenings in her alcoholics lives and her sponsor said, "Goody goody! Yay! They are one step closer to hitting their bottom."
I liked that....recently H had a big drama, and while I read her volumes of text messages it was like my HP caught me and said, "leave it be, this is part of her process to working this through till she's done." I knew in my spirit to give answers like, "Wow, tough stuff honey. very sad. Hmmmm, oh gosh, whew...my goodness, shocking." lol
Anyway, good for YOU barbara!! I wish I was there....we would take our dogs for a walk today and have a cup of coffee. Bless your sweet heart! Keep the focus on yourself.
And bath salts?? HOW do they do that?
You are stronger than you think, and I'm proud of you for doing what you need to do. I still hope every day that Keven finds whatever he needs to get well...and that day still may come.
Love to you.
OMG, the bath salts are so dangerous. They mix them up in China, different chemicals, can never be sure what you are getting. Doctors often don't know how to treat them because they don't know what the addicts exactly have in their systems. We have had a client who through his uncle (twice his size) on to the ground and severely injured him. Bath salts made him think he was Hercules. They raise the body temp and it is hard to get it back down. They send your whole system in overdrive, including blood pressure, heart rate, nervous system, etc. Keven must be out of control. I am so glad you are finally staying out of it.
Stay strong Barbara,
Just because you are doing what is right , that does not mean it is easy.
Leaving our son in a parking lot with only his backpack, knowing that he was homeless, on his birthday, was awful and painful. I just tried to envision my support group in the car with me . Turn him over to your Higher Power.
Praying for you and both our sons.
wOW, THE SPONSOR AND Anthony really did well by him. Please continue to take care of yourself. I am often humbled and inspired by how far these program people will go to help. It sounds like he has a very dedicated sponsor.
My sister knew I guy who had to pass a liquor store full of temptation on his way to work each day. His sponsor walked with him for a year until he could do it himself!
Many x addicts that I have talked to finally get themselves on the right track when they can no longer live at home. One way or the other it will give you more sanity and sanctuary in your own home.
Barbara, I'm so proud of you. I know how hard it is. Last summer, when our son relapsed and begged for us to help him get a cheap hotel room for the night(he was 4 states away), and was outside in the Fla. heat,..it was the hardest thing I've done to tell him no, and let him be homeless in that heat. But it truly was a turning point for him,...he tells us now. I hope your strength can help be such a motivator for Keven, in that it's his job to get the help he needs...not that it's your job to manipulate that effect, of course.
And yes, what a wonderful thing for the sponsor to do, God bless him. That's the beautiful thing about the program, ..the giving it away to keep it aspect of it.
I also know of the bath salts....horrible stuff. I just read about 3 teens having heart attacks as a result of using it. Hope Keven doesn't touch it again.
Keep on guarding your own peace. We're all proud of your strength through this tough struggle. I'm thinking of you.
Barbara,
You have come a long way in one week. I was wondering too about the effect on Ant but didn't want to say anything and add to your worries . . . seems that's sorted now.
Those bath salts sound horrendous. Its just anything to change how they/we feel. literally anything in this case. How awful and sad.
I'm glad I'm not a downer :-) Thanks . That means a lot. I know there is a loving supportive network of parents of addicts, ex addicts etc amongst your readers/commenters and sometimes I think people might think "why is she commenting? she's part of the "problem" so to speak . . . so it was good to read that. Thanks. Stay strong. With love x
So impressed!! You WILL find peace in handing him over to God. And, remember that the love that you gave to Anthony may have helped him to want to fight his own disease. Now, you and Anthony are giving Keven the opportunity to fight for himself. I was told that in doing this you are saying to him that "he CAN do this." Good job Barbara. It's an amazing and difficult first step that you took and your on a much better path....one where you have control.
Wow - four times in one night you said no to him? Awesome :)
I'm not an addict or an ex-addict, but I remember as a teenager my enabling mother helping me at every turn. I remember the feeling that I wanted her to say no. I don't know if I was sure of why that was but it seems clear to me now: every time she enabled me and helped me out she was basically saying to me, "You're not strong enough to do this on your own."
You told Keven four times last night he is strong enough to do it on his own. I am so proud of you!!
Barbara, you are amazing. Keven knows that you and others love him. I hope that he stops soon. But there is nothing you can do now. He has a Higher Power and there is a solution. To do what you have done by letting go is evidence if God at work in your life too.
Barbara,
There is no good in this. Keven is on his path and there is not much you can do. He either wants it or he doesn't that's he way it is. It is what it is.
I know none of this feels good for you but sometimes the best medicine is the harshest medicine. You will struggle and there will be highs and lows. Listen to your head and heart and use your support group on here.
I'm glad Ant knows his limits.
I am humbled that what I said offered you some support or reason to question things. Bath salts...eegad! This could be Keven's moment to shine. I'm praying.
I feel for you. Nothing can reconcile how awful we feel, but you know now it is necessary. When Andrew was running amok (what else can I call it) back when he was just so out there years ago..we cut off all contact and support. Joy, Annette, many more--all of us had to make that hard decision. There is simply no alternative at this point with Keven. The fewer options, money, etc he has, the sooner he has to face the fact he has NO one to turn to.
I hope Anthony can keep up the forward momentum. He tried to be a good friend. I pray we hear some good news about Keven soon.
Barbara, you have no idea of your strength, and I'm praying for you that you find heaps more in that loving mom's heart of yours. Your strength is amazing and will become even greater.
Keven KNOWS he is loved. He has a huge storehouse of tools - he has soaked up so much knowledge in the last year of treatment, etc. He will call on these tools when he is ready.
Our addict children have a Higher Power and we are not it! So, So, SO hard to let them go, but I don't think you have a choice. Enjoy your walk with Sugar and keep on keeping on. You are an awesome loving compassionate mom, and my prayers continue.... Bless you, honey!
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