Yes, YOU! In my dream all of you were there for me in this big circle of wonderful faces and I was crying (typical!) cause I felt so much support and love. Even from Ron who is constantly on my ass. (Ron, I appreciate your words more than you can know, it feels like a big brother talking to me with blunt honesty and wisdom, I need that and take it as its meant - to help me).
So, instead of answering all the wonderful comments left yesterday (I think that's what inspired the dream I had), I will update you here then catch up on all your blogs.
To recap: Yesterday Keven was terminated from Opportunity Court, a program he's been part of for the last two years, 3 months for dually diagnosed addicts. If he would have graduated from the program his felony would have been dismissed. It takes the average person 18 months to 2 years to complete, but Keven never got past Phase 2. He had many sanctions for dirty tests, one for curfew violation. He was in and out of jail the entire time. The court gave him many chances but we all came to the conclusion that this is not working for him.
He walked out of jail at 10:30 pm a "free man" with all his time served and is now on formal probation for 3 years (formal probation is a piece of cake compared to the probation he was on in the program).
His first words to me (after hugging me and saying I love you) were "I'm free! No more going to probation twice a week, no more court every other week, no more worrying about being home by 10 pm and best of all - I don't have to be in a program!" (pause) "But, I WANT TO BE IN ONE".
Ok, so far so good. He has 5 days home then reports to the new program Monday morning. He's going to stay busy the next five days, today my mom will be taking him to the DMV, to get a haircut, etc. Tomorrow he'll be with me all day. Friday - not sure yet. But he has told me, "If I can't stay clean between now and Monday, I am just going to leave. I'm going to take off and live as an addict, I don't think it will happen, but I'm letting you know that if I disappear that's why".
So, maybe not so good? Whatever happens, I AM LIVING MY LIFE FOR ME AND ALLOWING HIM TO LIVE HIS LIFE. Of course I worry, of course I will be concerned, supportive, etc. But I will NOT let it eat me alive and consume my every thought.
Thanks for hanging in there with me.
I AM GOING TO RENAME THIS BLOG AGAIN. ANY SUGGESTIONS?
First I called it "The Needle and the Damage Done" but when (I thought) he had 9 months clean I changed it to "Recovery Happens". I want a new name, but am drawing a blank.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
17 comments:
Hang in there Barbara. You can make it and Keven has told you his plan. Live with it. Accept each day as it is presented not how you have planned it. You have that "helper" personality. Use it to help yourself to happiness.
Name for you blog? "I am the Center of Me"
Blunt honesty and wisdom??? I'm sure about the honesty, but wisdom?
Ask by a significant person in my life, "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" Response, "It's not the jeans." Why was she upset the rest of the evening. I thought people appreciated honesty. (true story)
Ron - You did NOT say that to your wife! Well, thanks for reminding me your'e just a normal guy. You are officially off the pedestal I had you on :)
Barbara, I am so happy that you are feeling so positive! I truly hope that K can stay clean until Monday...and, of course, beyond. I am beyond happy that the WANTS to be in a programme, that he recognises this....and I am staying positive with you.
With love, Mrs F
(Ron, did you REALLY say that?!?)
I told you I am honest, yes I did and if you need verification ask her.
Should I have said NO. What would everyone been thinking then when she wore those jeans?
Thank you, Mrs. F!
Ron, it was the manner in which you said it. Next time try, "Babe, you look great in most jeans, but those aren't as flattering on you as the other pair..." :) Actually, I'm sure she's used to you by now. lol
I like that you are living life for you. That is awesome.
Loving Life, In Spite of Life!!
or something to that effect.
Loving ME!! In spite of life's curve balls?
I dunno, but I'm sure you'll come up with a great new title!! Enjoy the next few days with Keven!
Hugs, and prayers,
Blog Name? "My Turn". Because it is, you know.
Wow, being in a program because he *wants* to be, because he is *choosing* to be.....that sounds like a very healthy beginning to me. I am praying my dear.
Thank you all for the comments. I am definitely living an hour at a time today. I texted him to ask how he was doing today and he said he decided to stay in the house with grandma all day cause he was too anxious to go out :(
So I took a deep breath, centered myself and reminded myself of a few key things to keep myself from trying to find ways to "fix" his anxiety, etc. Just praying hard for him to be strong.
Lceel and Joy - great names! Will think about them.
I think you should keep it Recovery Happens...because it does, and we all need to be reminded of that from time to time...regardless of what our individual children do.
Hi
I so hope that this is the start of something good for you both . . . but if he does choose "to take off and live life as an addict" it can still be the start of something new for you.
You said you want to call the blog something new . . . how about "something new"?
You are blessed with so much love and support and so is Keven.
I'm glad to hear you so positive Barbara! What will be will be, it's up to Keven where his life goes from here. I wish him the very best!! I know it can be hard for us mom's but, you've got the right attitude!! I hate this roller coaster ride of addiction!! How about "Taking Care of ME" or "Time for ME"??? Thinking of you - (Sorry if this is a duplicate post, I am having trouble commenting for some reason..) Stay Strong!!
I think you should name your blog "Just keep swimming..." Like Dory the fish in Nemo. Praying for you both Barb and Amen to living your own life!
I'm keeping Keven in my prayers in a big way...that he stays clean and enters that program. My blog name suggestions would be either Road to Recovery, or Recovery Road.
We're all pulling for him...and for you !!
Hi Barbara,
I have a 'helping personality' too, and am always wanting to fix things. It is so exhausting and life consuming. So I get the feeling a person has when they are able to 'let go' or 'hand an issue over' ...to God, a higher Power, or ???? I hope you continue to grow in your ability to do this. My prayers will continue to be sent your way and for Keven.
My suggestion for your new blog name is, "Grant Me the Serenity..."
after the serenity prayer.
Take care.
Sincerely,
Shelley in SK
In alanon they ask, "What did you do for yourself today?" At first I thought that question was rediculous. Now I know that it can save our lives. Do something good for yourself every day my friend. I am glad we were in your dreams and you felt the love and friendship that we have for you.
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