I've only had a few hours sleep so I am not totally coherent.
I don't know where to begin, so I'll start with the ending and make this short. Its painful to think about, but I want to share what's going on.
He obviously used. He can't spend even one night in our house, I should have known better but whatever.
He used a lot and showed up at his new Recovery Home messed up and Anthony took one look at him and he started crying. It was a bad scene. I took him to the hospital to detox so he could go back there in three days with a fresh start.
At the hospital they gave him way too much Ativan and he hallucinated and basically freaked out for several hours as I sat by his bedside trying to keep him calm. Finally, after several hours, I had to get home so I just left him like that. It was hard.
He let out so many emotions that and fears that have been building up for years. He admitted he still "sees things" and wonders is he needs to see a psychiatrist again.
But the long and short of this story is: He said that he has hit his emotional bottom and its ten times worse than any physical pain, financial loss, incarceration, ruined relationships, etc. He is suffering and afraid - yet in the midst of that he's also determined to do this, and do it on his own. He asked me to completely let him have control of everything, he wants to do everything on his own (for example I offered to make a call for him and he said he wants to do everything himself because he knows that's part of recovery).
So, dear friends, here we are at another crossroads. I have no idea what will happen next. His PO may violate him - he says he doesn't even care. (90 days county). We'll see.
Thanks for caring. I love my son more than anything.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
15 comments:
Barbara, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it was so hard to leave him at the hospital in that condition. Hopefully you can get some rest today and if he really wants to do this on his own, let him. I am about a step away from that with my son as I type this.
Go pick up your puppy. Mine is sitting next to me right now.
Hang in there! My thoughts and continued prayers are with you. Big Hug!!!
Barbara, I am here reading and I am sorry for you, but maybe this will be it for Keven. Its amazing how quickly everything can change in our lives. Such a roller coaster ride.
Thanks, Terri and Annette.
I think this is the best thing that could have possibly happened. He didn't OD. He's alive, in a safe place and he is HUMBLED, ASHAMED and CRYING OUT for help.
Maybe, just maybe, this will be it.
What really makes me sick is that his had his friend Kelly hide dope in the bathroom at Starbucks, told me he had to use the bathroom, went in and used and then we drove to rehab. Its not surprising, they are cunning and clever and will stoop to any low to get high.
Barbara,
I am hoping that Keven is ready but I've heard this before.
It is time you allow Keven to do what he needs, even if that means continue to use. Prepare yourself for whatever happens and then there is no expectations, frustration or anger. Your role is to take care of yourself. As you can see, you cannot keep Keven from using so he more you do for him the more you enable him and prolong whatever decision Keven makes. You have to understand the decision is Keven's.
Lean on all of us. Take a break. We know you love your son more than anything else. Are you willing to love him to death?
Addicts/alcoholics say a lot of crap when we get caught and are in a lot of trouble. And, if you've been in and out of recovery, you know all the language and the "right" things to say.
It goes right back to the " how do you know an addict is lying" line.
I hate to be so cynical but no one should listen to addict/alcoholics the morning after we've used. We're full of remorse, shame, guilt and,often, a firm resolve to change. For me, that usually lasted approxi,approximately ten hours.
Barbara, I hope that you will listen to what Keven says and let him do what he will do. I so agree with Ron. I know that you love him but remember what Lois Wilson wrote: "Love is not enough."
Barbara, first, I hope he really is ready to do the hard work.
Second, I remember once that Lou said something to the effect of "Don't tell me, SHOW ME."
I started using that phrase above with DD2 and she hated it, but she has also told me later after getting some time under her belt, "Mom, I'll say ANYTHING, to get you to help me when I'm out there."
All the talk in the world is just that: talk.
I can't listen to anything my daughter says after a relapse. Not until WEEKS after the relapse. She is indeed sorry....
Sorry that she got caught! Sorry that she is where she can't get what she really wants - more heroin! Sorry, sorry, sorry, but not necessarily sorry for going back out there.... Does that make sense?
You and your dear family have tried everything. Perhaps it is time to step away....and let him do ALL the work of his own recovery. "What choice would he make if no more cushioning was coming from you? If he doesn't want it enough to fight for it himself, alone, then he's not done." (that came from DD2!)
Perhaps you might also consider what it would be like for your family to lose YOU, because "trust and believe" (DD2's favorite emphasis) if you don't take care of YOU, this will eventually take you down too. Please take care of you! You deserve a content, full, meaningful and peaceful life. My prayers continue for K AND FOR YOU!
First I want to say how sorry I am that things are so difficult right now. You both deserve some peace but we all know that rarely happens, unless we make it.
I also want to add one thing I have noticed about J on this journey. When he is in the midst of drug use or even worse for him detox...that's when I start hearing all the bargaining begin... I hate my life, I can't do this anymore, I am so depressed, I need to get help, I am sick , I am in pain. Then when they are through the worst of it, they suddenly THINK they have everything under control and everyone except the addict recognize that they don't and so the spiral begins again.
I think I understand what Nar Anon or Ala non are talking about. Our addicts can cycle through the above scenario their whole lives. If we let them suck us in every single time they are taking such precious energy, time and love away from our everyday lives and the other people in it.
The kicker is now that I get it, am I prepared to walk away if J relapsed? Right now I think the answer is yes but I don't really know that and won't unless I come to a cross road similar to yours.
Barbara,
As an addict myself, I agree with Jackie, Madyson007 and others. I don't want to sound cynical but unfortunately they are right about all the humbleness, guilt, out pouring of emotion etc after a relapse.
I'm sorry but he is selfish to put you through this. And not all addicts are selfish. If I got myself in that state, I wouldn't involve anyone else. Why did they call you if he is meant to be doing this alone. Obviously if he was in danger they would need to call you. I so don't want to sound harsh as I really feel for you, but how can you get on with your life if they keep involving you like this? As soon as he sees you get angry and turn away he will do this to bring you back in. It's such a dificult situation as you love him so much. He knows you feel sick and tired of him when you are at your wits end, but that's only temporary, and as soon as you recover some energy and soften towards him again, unfortunately he will sap this energy . . . and on in circles it goes. As so many other people have said you need to put yourself first. If he wants to do this alone, ask him to leave you right out of it. Not just drag you back in when it suits. So sorry this sounds hard towards Keven but he shouldn't be putting you through this, I actually feel angry with him. I really do feel for you.
I'm sorry Barbara. That's all I can say,...and that I'll continue to think of you and Keven and keep praying daily. Wish I could give you a hug in person. :(
I'm sorry your going thru this yet again Barbara - it's never easy. Take care of Barbara!
I hope this is the "Show me, don't tell me" moment. Only he can show you but he can't tell you Barbara.
He can't tell you. He can only show you.
You will always love him. Always, and that's how it should be. Loving him means putting yourself first.
It's the only way you can save him if you think about it.
Oh honey,I'm so sorry, I wish I could hug you and make it all go away. I know that's what I wish would happen to me.
Thinking of you, and praying for Keven.
Oh, dear cyber friend.
Please try to take a BIG step back and get off of that roller coaster.
Take care of yourself. You can't take care of him if you have slipped into "the pit" along with him.
Praying for you and all of our children fighting this disease of addiction.
Try to hang in there, Barbara. My heart goes out to you. You and Keven will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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